Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian

It’s been a shocking 1-2 years (sorry I can’t count :)) since I last blogged a post. I began with the title “strugglingfish” on a whim; I had just viewed a video of a fish bowl shattering (no judging my vid tastes), and its contents; including one gold fish flopping on a hardwood floor. In retrospect, the image of the “struggling” goldfish definitely correlated with how I perceived my life back then. Today, as I flip through my old posts and reread bits and pieces, I am utterly mortified. What was I writing? Rampant grammatical errors (part-time grammar nazi:)), absolutely thin material, and a lack of purpose. They should ban teens from ever touching a blog, until at least the respectable age of 20 (jk). Honestly though, I cannot unsee the horrors of my past writing. 

Today, I don’t know exactly why, but I wanted to pop in and say hi. Hi. Okay there’s more to the story, obviously, with the title of “Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian”, I mustn’t mislead you and disappoint. I’d like to discuss the age old favorite topic of the world. Love, or rather imitation love. (*Note the pun) 

I don’t know about you, but I was a 90’s kid, and my childhood consisted of the Disney Princesses; Aurora, Mulan, Belle, you name it, I loved it. That skewed perception of love has unfortunately held on today, to my embarrassment D: As such, I have constantly held my breath in anticipation of my prince in charming. He would come upon a white horse, all bedazzled in a white suit and kneeling before me, he says the three magical words, “I love you.” 

Through my life, I’ve had a couple of relationships, but nothing really seems to last. I know, you’re probably saying it’s me that’s the problem, common denominator and all, but I don’t think so. Society’s deluded me, and I don’t believe the blame should all be on my plate. No one is remotely like Prince Phillip, and Aurora doesn’t exist either; it’s universally acknowledged, yet I can’t stop my palpitating heart (sigh). With the failures and half-assed relationships I’ve experienced (I was 8 then so sue me), the term love seems a wonderful theory and a near impossible reality. The only thing feeding my hopes for real love is my parents’ relationship. What is one supposed to do? I’m in a relationship with a guy that I question having any love feelings for. He’s a great guy, but the spark is missing. Without the spark, all I see are the flaws and issues in the relationship.  It’s driving me insane with guilt, and the lone battle for true love is making me quite sad. Anyone have advice? Please comment thanks. 


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