Change is in the air; as our grad hats were tossed up without a care, I felt an enormous sense of euphoria; a sense of new beginnings and growth. Now the high has finally ebbed away, leaving me feeling empty and brittle. Everyone responds to change in their own way; some pull away from age old relationships to embrace new ones, while others cling harder to the past, in a desperate attempt to avoid foreign ground.
As for me, I am on the fence; like a deer in headlights I’ve merely stood stricken as change comes racing towards me. Along with grad there has been shifts in my friend circle; a certain shift in dynamic. I’m not sure if I’m the only one, but recently I’ve been feeling like the duck amongst my swan friends. It is disconcerting as they laugh and cheer together and I sit on the side; some people may comment that maybe it’s just me not making an effort to be sociable. I thought about that, and no matter how i turn it around in head, I can only come to the conclusion to a change in my character, both physically and emotionally. My interests have matured and so has my strength. No longer can I spent all nighters without some intense ramifications (day time zombie), and laughter comes at the cost of some serious strength (I feel like I’ve run a marathon afterwards lol.) I’m old. As much as that may anger some peers (sorry mom and dad.) I feel like the world has finally taken it’s toll on me.
Now that I’ve come to this revelation, I am troubled by what to do. This newfound separation between my friends and I is not budging, despite all my best efforts. I feel brittle and tired as new responsibilities sprout in the garden of my life (pre-driving test anxiety anyone?) Yet I feel stronger and looser now that I’ve explained it all to you.
I’ve decided. I will cast off this self imposed anxiety and battle each day and change as it arrives. It’s pretty foolish of me to predict what will happen; maybe I’m just in a rut, maybe I’m just thinking too much. That’s what I love; how in the world there’s no such thing as “for sure”; at least nothing that we humans predict (look at the countless mistaken weather forecasts.) 🙂